Gay men and sexual assault

Sexual abuse of males

Most research suggests that 10 to 20 per cent of all males will experience some form of sexual abuse or sexual assault at some point in their lives. That translates into thousands of boys and men being abused each year. Gay men are a major -- and almost completely overlooked -- subset of this demographic group.

Male-on-male sexual assault has historically been shrouded in secrecy and stigma. As a group, male survivors, both gay and heterosexual, report a lack of services and support, and legal systems are often ill-equipped to deal with this type of crime.

Most male survivors never report being assaulted, even to people they know and trust. They fear being disbelieved, ridiculed, shamed, accused of weakness, ignored or, in the case of heterosexual men, being perceived as gay. Worst of all, male survivors fear being blamed for their own attack because they were not "man" enough to protect themselves or prevent it. For all of these reasons, many male survivors endure their traumatic experience silently and alone.

Our culture values invulnerability and denial of pain as essential qualities of manliness. Men simply are not allowed to admit that they have been sexually assaulted and abused.

Sexual violence against gay men

Sexual abuse and sexual assault are rarely about sexual attraction. They're all about power and control, about an abuser's anger or desire to intimidate and dominate another person. When the victim is a gay man, he's almost always chosen on the basis of his sexual orientation rather than who he is as a human being.

Anti-gay sexual abuse and sexual assault often serves as a vehicle for the sexual status needs of the offenders.

"Gay-bashing," which may or may not involve sexual assault, is committed across the entire social spectrum. No age, economic, racial, cultural or religious categories are immune.

Statistics reveal the profile of a typical a gay-basher: a young male, often acting together with other young males, all of whom are strangers to the victim. However, in some cases gay men may be sexually victimized by their spouse or dating partner.

Myths & realities

Myths about the sexual assault of gay men have the effect of minimizing the gravity of the offender's crime and its impact on the survivor. These myths also have an effect on how survivors think about themselves, and the way they're treated by our society.

MYTH:   Men can't be sexually assaulted.
REALITY:   Men can be, and are, sexually assaulted every day. It can happen to any man, regardless of his sexual orientation, size, strength, appearance, occupation, race or culture. It happens at home, at work, in locker rooms and in cars -- just about anywhere a perpetrator thinks he can get away with it. It's not unusual for a male victim to "freeze" out of shock or fear of physical harm. Few, if any, men have ever considered the possibility of sexual assault happening and are usually totally unprepared.

MYTH:   Only gay men are sexually assaulted.
REALITY:   The incidence of sexual assault involving gay male victims is slightly higher than for heterosexual males, but this is largely due to the fact that gay men can become the target of anti-gay violence perpetuated by other men. Heterosexual men can be, and are, sexually assaulted in large numbers.

MYTH:   Only gay men sexually assault other men.
REALITY:   The vast majority of male offenders who sexually abuse or assault other men identify themselves as heterosexual. Some offenders target males simply because it gives them a greater feeling of dominance, power and control than abusing a woman. Sexual assault is usually much more about violence and anger than it is about lust or sexual attraction. The vast majority of males who target boys for sexual abuse aren't gay.

MYTH:   Male sexual assault victims don't suffer as much as a female victim; after all, they don't risk becoming pregnant.
REALITY:   Gay or straight, all sexual assault survivors suffer many of the same reactions: depression, anger, anxiety, confusion, fear, numbness, self-blame, helplessness, suicidal feelings and shame are common ones. Some responses are gender specific, others are not. Sexual assault directed against gay men is more likely to involve higher levels of violence, use of weapons and multiple assailants. Statistically, gay and straight male survivors are also at higher risk of committing suicide. And while they do not become pregnant, male survivors of anal rape are at much higher risk of internal damage, which leads to a greater possibility of HIV and other infections.

MYTH:   Getting an erection or ejaculating during a sexual assault means the survivor "really wanted it" or even consented.
REALITY:   This myth causes major issues of guilt and confusion for all male survivors. Physical stimulation can cause an erection whether the recipient wants it to happen or not. Pressure in the prostate gland can cause the same reaction. Having an erection or ejaculation is a normal, involuntary physiological response, and does not automatically equate with arousal -- or with consent. A male survivor may be bewildered or confused about his physiological response during the event, or may feel guilt or shame, and may therefore be inclined not to report it.

MYTH:   Sexual assault between gay partners does not exist.
REALITY:   Sexual abuse and sexual assault can occur within any relationship. Through physical, psychological or emotional coercion, some gay men are forced by their partners to engage in non-consensual sexual acts. A gay man in a committed relationship is not the sexual property of his partner.

Impacts on gay survivors

Any person who has been sexually assaulted, male or female, gay or straight, experiences lasting effects and suffers emotional pain. A number of reactions are unique to gay survivors:

• For a gay victim, especially one who is not yet "out of the closet," the possibility that he is somehow broadcasting his "secret sexual identity" to others without even knowing it can be devastating.
• Follow-up impacts may actually pit the survivor against himself. Feelings of vulnerability can lead to stress and self-dehumanization. The gay survivor may view himself as perpetually vulnerable, or that his very existence is the cause of violence; this is the common trap of self-blame.
• Gay men often believe their sexual assault occurred because of their orientation, while straight men often begin to question their own sexual identity and are more disturbed by the sexual aspect than any violence involved.
• Gay survivors of sexual assault may feel they're being "punished" for their sexual orientation.
• Gay survivors may feel targeted as a member of the homosexual community, and may choose to withdraw from contact as a result.
• Gay survivors may develop self-loathing that's related to their sexual orientation.

Sexual abuse and sexual assault affects males in many of the same ways it affects females. Anger, anxiety, sadness, confusion, fear, flashbacks, numbness, self-blame, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, suicidal feelings, shame and sexual dysfunction are all common reactions of survivors.

But in some ways, men have unique reactions. Immediately after an assault, men may display more hostility and aggression than they show tearfulness and fear. Over time, they may also come to question their own sexual identity, act out in sexually suggestive ways or even downplay the impact of their experience. Other problems facing males include an increased sense of vulnerability, damaged self-image and emotional distancing.

Like women, men who experience sexual assault may suffer from depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and other emotional problems. But because men and women have different life experiences due to their different gender roles, emotional symptoms in men can appear different than in women.

Society diminishes sexual assault, and its victims are constantly being accused of lying or told that the crime is in some way their own fault. As with female victims, people will tend to fault the male victim instead of the perpetrator. Survivors must confront unsympathetic attitudes, particularly if they choose to report the assault, and they may lack support from family and friends for doing so.

Supporting a gay survivor of sexual assault

If a male relative or friend tells you that he has been sexually assaulted, you should respond the same way you would to a female survivor:

Believe him.   It's not your role to question whether a sexual assault has occurred.

Never blame him for being assaulted.   No one ever deserves to experience sexual assault. It doesn't matter whether he was drunk or high, acting in a sexually suggestive way or even if he's involved in a relationship with the offender.

Help him explore options.   Don't take charge of the situation or pressure him to do what you think he should. Give him freedom to choose a path to recovery that he's most comfortable with, even if you would do things differently. There is no "right" way for someone to respond after being attacked.

Listen to him.   It's important to let the man know he can talk to you whenever he's ready. At some point during his recovery process, he may come to you for support. Whenever that happens, just listen. Don't interrupt or inject your own feelings. Your caring attention will be very valuable.

Ask before you touch.   Don't assume that physical contact, even in the form of a gentle touch or hug, will be comforting. Give him all the space he needs, and try your best not to take his reaction personally. You can quietly signal your openness to physical contact by sitting with an open posture, and you can simply ask if he would like a touch or hug.

Get help for yourself.   The impact of sexual assault extends far beyond the survivor. If you reach out to support a friend or loved one, it's a good idea to contact a sexual assault service for information, support or even counselling for you. Suppressing your own emotions will only make you less capable of helping someone you care about.

Counselling can help male survivors cope with the powerful physical and emotional reactions to their experience. Seeking help can be an important way to regain a sense of control. Family and friends of male survivors become "secondary victims" of the experience, and may also have special issues and concerns that can be addressed through counselling.

AASAS member agencies are ready to help men who experience sexual abuse or sexual assault. You can click here to connect with resources in your community and begin your recovery process.