How to support a male survivor

If you're reading this, it's possible that a man you care about -- a partner, boyfriend, relative or buddy -- has been sexually abused or assaulted. His experience may have happened recently, or he may have chosen to share his emotional burden after suffering in silence for a long time.

Either way, what matters is that this man has turned to YOU for help. You need to respond carefully as he confides and struggles to cope with a traumatizing personal crisis.

If his assault has taken place within the past few hours, take steps to ensure his immediate safety and physical well-being. Help him to receive emergency medical treatment for injuries and to prevent sexually transmitted disease. Be caring, comforting, kind and gentle. Those are all natural, instinctive actions that apply to almost any emergency situation.

But there are also some things you should do (and should not do) that are more specific to helping a survivor of sexual violence:

The how-to male support guide

If a male relative or friend tells you that he has been sexually assaulted, you should respond the same way you would to any female survivor:

Believe him.   It's not your role to question whether a sexual assault has occurred.
Never blame him for being assaulted. No one ever deserves to experience sexual assault. It doesn't matter whether he was drunk or high, how he was behaving or even if he's involved in a relationship with the offender. SEXUAL ASSAULT IS NEVER, EVER THE SURVIVOR'S FAULT.

Help him explore options.   Don't take charge of the situation or pressure him to do what you think he should. Give him freedom to choose a path to recovery that he's most comfortable with, even if you would do things differently. There is no "right" way for a person to respond after being attacked.

Listen to him.   It's important to let the survivor know he can talk to you whenever he's ready. At some point during his recovery process, he may come to you for support. Whenever that happens, just listen. Don't interrupt or inject your own feelings. Your caring attention will be very valuable.

Ask before you touch.   Don't assume that physical contact, even in the form of a gentle touch or hug, will be comforting. Give him all the space he needs, and
try your best not to take his reaction personally. You can quietly signal your openness to physical contact by sitting with an open posture, and you can simply ask if a touch or hug would help.

Get help for yourself.   The impact of sexual assault extends far beyond the survivor. If you reach out to support a friend or loved one, it's a good idea to contact a sexual assault service for information, support or counselling for yourself. Suppressing your own emotions will only make you less capable of helping someone you care about.


Counselling can help male survivors cope with the powerful physical and emotional reactions to their experience. Seeking help can be an important way for them to regain a lost sense of control.

Family and friends of male survivors become "secondary victims" of the experience, and may also have special issues and concerns that should be discussed with a professional counsellor.


AASAS member agencies are able to help men who experience sexual abuse or sexual assault. If you're ready, you can click here to connect with resources in your community and begin your recovery process.

Impacts on male survivors

Anyone who has been sexually abused or assaulted, male or female, gay or straight, experiences lasting effects and suffers emotional pain. Sexual abuse and sexual assault affects guys in many of the same ways it affects women. Anger, anxiety, sadness, confusion, fear, flashbacks, numbness, self-blame, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, suicidal feelings, shame, difficulties with trust and intimacy, and sexual dysfunction are all common reactions of survivors.

But guys also have some unique reactions. Immediately after an assault, men may display more hostility and aggression than they show tearfulness and fear. Over time, they may also come to question their own sexual identity, act out in sexually suggestive ways or even downplay the impact of their experience. Other problems facing guys include an increased sense of vulnerability, damaged self-image and emotional distancing.

Like women, men who experience sexual assault may suffer from depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and other emotional problems. But because guys generally have different life experiences than women, their emotional symptoms can appear different from women.

Our culture minimizes sexual abuse and sexual assault. Individuals who are sexually abused are often accused of lying or told that the crime is in some way their own fault. People often fault a male victim instead of a perpetrator. Male survivors have to confront unsympathetic attitudes, especially if they choose to report the crime and press charges, and they may lack support from family and friends for doing so.

Male sexual assault: an inconvenient truth

• Adolescents are most often targeted for male sexual abuse.
• Men are the perpetrators in the large majority of sexual abuse and sexual assault cases involving male victims.
• Despite popular belief, most male perpetrators identify themselves as heterosexual, and they often have consensual sexual relationships with women.
• The reporting rate for male victims is even lower than the already-low rate for females. The biggest reason for not reporting male sexual assault: fear of being perceived as homosexual.

Male sexual assault has historically been shrouded in secrecy and stigma. Our culture values invulnerability and denial of pain as essential qualities of "manliness." Guys simply are not allowed to admit that they have been sexually assaulted and abused.

Most guys who experience sexual assault choose never to reveal it, even to people they know and trust. They fear being disbelieved, ridiculed, shamed, accused of weakness, ignored or, in the case of heterosexual men, being perceived as gay.

Worst of all, male survivors fear being blamed for their own attack because they were not "manly" or "macho" enough to protect themselves or prevent it. For all of these reasons, many guys who survive sexual abuse or sexual assault endure their traumatic experience silently and alone.