Self-care for families & friends

Like ripples on water, the impacts of sexual abuse and sexual assault spread far beyond the survivor. Partners, relatives, friends, co-workers, classmates and teammates may also experience short- and long-term "secondary effects" effects of the violence.

Depending on the circumstances and interpersonal dynamics, families can come together or be pulled apart by their reactions to sexual violence. Brothers and sisters can be supportive of a survivor or feel resentful about the added attention they receive. If the offender was a trusted relative, feelings of disbelief can emerge.

Parents of children and teens who have been sexually assaulted face extremely difficult circumstances. They may be unsure about the best way to respond, and they may feel powerless, guilty, vengeful, angry, resentful, betrayal -- or any combination of these reactions.

The person who was assaulted must be the focus of support. She or he must know that they are free to concentrate on their own healing and not be required to look after the needs of other people, even though other people are "secondary victims" and may also be struggling to cope with what's happened.

Relatives, friends and others who care will naturally have strong feelings about the incident, and it's important to deal with these thoughts and emotions. If you're close to a survivor, it may be helpful to contact a sexual assault service for information, support or counselling for yourself. Suppressing your own emotions may only make you less capable of helping someone you care about.

If you're a relative or friend of someone who has been sexually assaulted, you could experience any or all of these natural, common reactions:

• Shock -- surprise about what's happened; difficulty in knowing how to respond properly
• Anger -- could be directed at the offender, or at the survivor for not telling you sooner, especially if the experience happened long ago or and others have been assaulted and abused by that perpetrator (e.g. sexual abuse or assault within a family)
• Sadness -- for your loved one, and for how this experience may change his or her life and yours
• Anxiety -- about the best way to respond, about how this may change your loved one or your relationship
• Fear -- in some circumstances, you may be afraid that a similar experience could happen to you, or to other people you know
  

AASAS member agencies are able to help anyone whose life is affected by a loved one's traumatic experience with sexual abuse or sexual assault. If you're ready, you can click here to connect with resources in your community.

Self-care priorities for family & friends

Following these tips may help you to take care of yourself during this difficult and painful time:

• Realize that there is no right or wrong way for you to feel about her/his experience. What's important is that you genuinely care.
• Respect the fact that your own feelings are separate and distinct, and only share them in appropriate ways that won't add to your loved one's stress level.
• Recognize your own limits as a support provider; try not to take on more of an emotional or physical burden than you can handle.
• Find a trusted, supportive person who can help you "download" your own stress and express your own feelings about what's happened. This could also be a friend, support group or a professional counsellor (an AASAS member agency can help you obtain such help).
• Simplify your life during this difficult time, and take a "time out" if you're able to do so.
• Don't completely immerse yourself in supporting or worrying about the survivor. No matter how much you care about them, you also need to consciously set aside time for your own needs.
• Find diversions that will lighten your emotional load and recharge your ability to give support. Get engrossed in your favourite sport or hobby, go for a walk, see a movie, read a book.
• If you have a spouse, partner or children, spend time with them. Eventually, plan "date nights" or family outings the way you did before the assault happened. Understand that the immediate crisis will eventually pass, and that healing and recovery -- yours and your loved one's -- can't be rushed and will proceed at their own pace.
• Recognize the small victories, and celebrate them.
  

More physical & emotional self-care tips

Get plenty of sleep.   Most people require seven to 10 hours of sleep per night. The key thing is to ensure a peaceful environment that will maximize your ability to get as much rest as your body needs. Sleep heals!

Eat right.   Food provides both nourishment and comfort. It's not always possible to organize your life to ensure three good meals every day, but you should at least try to eat a healthy, balanced diet that delivers solid nutritional value. As long as you don't overdo them, occasional treat foods can also give you a psychological mini-boost.

Stay active.   This is one of the most overlooked areas of self-care. If you enjoy activities like cycling, jogging, golf or team sports, try your best to keep them a part of your lifestyle. Even a quick lunchtime walk in the sunshine will get your blood pumping, muscles moving and reduce negative feelings, stress and depression.

Maintain good medical care.   Be sure to make and keep those appointments. If you put them off, small health problems that might have been simple to take care of can become a lot more complicated.

Meditation soothes your spirit.   Many people closely involved in supporting survivors find value in using relaxation techniques to restore and maintain their emotional health. This example is a good place to start:

• Sit or stand comfortably with your back straight and feet flat on the floor.
• Place one hand on your belly button and breathe in slowly through your nose for a count of four, letting your tummy expand as you inhale. Concentrate on relaxing your tummy muscles as you inhale.
• Hold your breath for four seconds, and then exhale slowly through your mouth for another count of four. Try to keep the rest of your body relaxed; your shoulders should not rise and fall as you breathe.
• Keep counting and repeating this deep inhale-hold-deep exhale cycle, and you should quickly begin to feel a calming effect.

Set some boundaries.   Be careful to avoid people who are unable (or unwilling) to listen to you, who want to dismiss or analyze your loved one's experience or who leave you feeling depressed. Cutting negative family members out of your life may not be an option, but you can control the amount of time you spend around them (avoid open-ended time commitments, for example) or only see them as part of a group. On really tough days, screen your calls or turn off your phone; you don't need to answer every ringtone or text message.

Keep a diary.   Some people find that recording their thoughts and feelings in a journal or diary helps them to manage their emotions and relieve stress.